Falling for Turkey

21 December 2010

I believed I have another chance to start from the very beginning. But sometimes no matter how hard people try to do things differently, it all leads to the same results, to run away. No one will do the change for you, it does not really matter where are you or with who, the only thing that counts is honesty.

motiv


When I came to Turkey I told I wanted to do things differently. I believed I could change myself and that the people and all the environment would make impact on me. I believed I have another chance to start from the very beginning. But sometimes no matter how hard people try to do things differently, it all leads to the same results, to run away. No one will do the change for you, it does not really matter where are you or with who, the only thing that counts is honesty. I was not honest with my friends, I was not even honest with myself. I have never really tried to see the stars in Istanbul and discovered the joy and happiness and snow flakes that do not melt right after they touch the ground. I just wanted to make good impression on people, to fit in and I thought that is the real success because I could never do it in the Czech Republic. I felt in love with someone but after one month doubts came and I thought it was all gone. I acted like the usual. I persuaded myself it does not mean anything, that it can not be true love even that at some moments we both thought it is. How strange is to date someone when you know the end, the exact day after which everything changes. I am leaving in three weeks. If I was staying longer will I continue with this? Maybe I would have discovered that this MIGHT not be IT. I am an egoist person, I would be rather alone then to try to get along with someone. All I need is a close friend, someone to talk to about everything including life on Mars, last episode of Gossip Girl, Reagan’s policy and the difference between snow flakes and stars and fate and coincidence. But I was convinced that there is no such a guy, that he is not that guy, who could put up with my paranoia, trust and commitment issues, grumpiness, moodiness and the fact that I do not talk when I am upset. Then I was taught about the commitment and relationship from a guy with reputation of AEGEE boy, even he is not. And if this boy can believe in love, he is not even way better then me with the trust issue but he gives me hope that it is worth it. To wait. To be honest. An to fight for people you care about. I have still three weeks to fix my relations with friends and myself as well. And we will see. If I did really change I should not actually want to run away from the place I have run to.