I have never been more proud of myself. I have never been more self-confident. All my past I was waiting for someone to help me raise my self-esteem, it was my permanent issue. But recent events taught me that it is only me who can change this state of mind, by my own behaviour, by the things I am doing and which give me trust in myself and a reason to be simply proud. Sure people supported me and helped me with this issue in the past, for example by saying something like: “You are good.” But it has never helped that much until I have done something which I could consider like the results of me being actually good. You know what I want to say, there is just my one and only who could help me with my own self-esteem. No one else could do that for me. So I cut you off.
Indeed, after reaching some balance in my life, it is finally about the time to cut off the sick parts. To stop dragging them around. To stop hoping that they might get better and I might be recreated from the broken pieces again. Because it is just getting worse. One big era of my university studying is over along with its sick parts. Like with the body, the process of cutting hurts like hell but time heals everything, right? I am sorry if you were part of the process. But I just need to cut you off.
I mentioned the recent turning point of my life. I have finished one of my two bachelor programmes. I would not have been proud of it that much if my university has not been in Brno and I have not been pursuing my career as a graphic designer in Prague at the same time. Writing a thesis and studying for final exams during nights after I came tired from a work was a challenge. And I won. A lots of things has changed that remarkable day. There has been my new alter ego created from it – Bc. In Thoughts. Shiny new version of me. With a poor celebration of newly earned title before my name (not that I would write it anywhere). I am single with friends I can count with both of my hands, but at least I can trust all of them. Time let all the army of friends disappear, but the strongest core remained. I cut the rest off.
Speaking of, I think everywhere I come it reminds my high school in some ways. The jealousy, fake friendships, gossips… Yeah, high school with twenty five other girls in one class gave me pretty good basics how to act in this type of environment with hens all over. It will be always like that, at university or work, there will be always some girls (or women) who can give you a shit because you were talking with one of the colleagues more than she did or you used Photoshop filters on a poster. I am cutting them off.
You know, there has been too much vacation taken lately to the lands and cities where I kept losing my heart and mind. Now they are safe with me again. No more chasing, no more running, everything is the way I made it. Recently I regret I do not have any student life. But then I realized I do not want one, not now. So I am missing some parties and going home late and staying in the bed all morning. So maybe I am changed now. So maybe you should cut me off.
And that reminds me that I am looking forward to my summer. With my one and only. Maybe I will meet you on the road, maybe we stay strangers for the rest of our lives. What are the odds? If it is still about coincidences, I will not cut my chances off yet.
And I am going to cancel my Facebook account again. I think I can not be more cut off anyway.