FIRST PART: BEFORE CUTTING OFF AND AFTER THAT
“In a class I noticed someone. Someone who was sitting at the back of the class, looking very quiet. You looked nervous. Like a kid who was going through her first school day ever.”
Baby steps. Anything can go wrong anytime and anything is possible. Who said it’s gonna be easy? Just for the record, the weather today is calm and sunny, but the air is full of bullshit.
Why is our love song about leaving?
“Did you really fall asleep in the middle our chatting last night?”
The long distance relationships sucks. It is all about the trust. You can not demand it, nor you can say things like “What would you do in my place?”. If you have doubts, whether you are still the best, most gorgeous person in your partner’s eyes, you do not trust yourself. And that is all where it begins. Again. When you feel you are not good enough.
“And again it’s not good enough for İva, right? Nothing is.”
“OK… I’ll pretend like I believe that.”
OK… I’ll pretend like I mean it.
I am sorry that I fell asleep while watching your favourite movie Big Lebowski.
“It’s OK, I found your favourite movie about five horny girls desperately trying to get married quite boring also. And now I am trying to forget the damage Dirty Dancing has given to my eyes, ears and brain when I was forced to watch it with you on a bus.”
“I screwed up. Of course I will bring you flowers.”
Could we ever be forever? If you want to love me, just do it. If you want to wait for me, don’t. I am not accepting anyone’s aerial castles anymore.
I wanted all or nothing. So I have nothing, left. In the past there were moment I was wondering how does it feel to fall down and feel nothing. I am trying to make rational decisions but none of them make actually sense. Like “Let’s break up because we are so far away from each other and it is getting unbearable for me.” Such an easy way. Let’s make from you another unreachable dream. Let’s exchange you for another person I could never be with. In a real life. Can we still make it? Can’t you see we are all crashing.
Sometimes I consider my life happy. Like when I get off the bus at your stop, take off shoes and I walk bare-foot the last part of my way to my flat. Walking along the street full of family houses and garden. And when I enter the house I can smell the pea soup in the hall way. And that just feel like home.
Today it will be just me drinking two shots of Captain Morgan. In the situation like this, it helps. It is three days before my final state exams in one of my study field. If I fail it, both of my bachelor studies will end. I do not believe in luck anymore, so what is left here for me? Hope that this time I will pass? That everything is gonna be okey in the end? What a phrase! Screw all the finger crossing. I have never imagined my end of bachelor studies like this. Last year of it I spent in Istanbul and in Prague, instead of in the class in Brno. I reached the required amount of the credits in two years. Maybe it was too early. Maybe I will never be the proper student again. I miss it. I haven’t seen my classmates I went to pub with in a year. The teachers no longer recognize me. I simply do not belong there. And whenever I am coming there, this is the only thing I am sorry about. I do not belong there anymore. Like my friend always says to me: “It was your choice.” Indeed. And it all ends in two weeks. Whole era, forever. And then summer begins, with my one and only.
How does it feel to have a stroke?