Lost thoughts on April



lost in thoughts

She’s a good girl, loves her mama…

So what has happened with that girl lately?
She got lost. And not only in thoughts. On the contrary, maybe she kept getting lost in thoughts less and less. And that’s where you came in and the thoughts on you had lost her completely.

So what is this feeling you’re so sure of? Feeling free. Is it really that simple? No. I don’t know where I belong and I don’t know what went wrong.

April is a wicked month. 1st week my dad had a heart attack. 2nd week of April I broke my arm by falling from the bed. 3rd week I cancelled the wedding. And 4th week I fell in love.

Let’s get to the beginning. Simple and short message from my mom on Monday morning caught me completely unprepared. My dad had a heart attack. Just the thought of my dad nearly dead was more than surrealistic. Maybe because it was not the first time this happened.

It was summer night of 2006, me and my twin sister were just riding back on our bike from a nearby party. Slightly drunk we turned right entering our street and we saw an ambulance standing in the middle of the street. That can not be possible. Is it one of our neighbours? We were getting closer, when we saw the ambo parked right in front of our house. And my dad laying unconsciousness in it. My mom broken in tears in her night gown. It was 4 a.m. when my dad got transported to the hospital, because he had a heart attack. Later that night they transported him by helicopter to another hospital. He was in coma for three days. I was just turning 17. My mom saved my dad that summer night by resuscitating him tirelessly. After three months in the hospital my dad successfully recovered. But for another three years my mom almost haven’t slept in fear that her husband would have another heart attack in his sleep.

It was spring of 2013 when my mom wrote us in a text message that my dad has a prostate cancer. Later that year doctors successfully operated on him and removed all the cancer. That supposed to be our happy ending. It would not have been fair if anything else would go wrong with my father after this.

But three weeks ago, just a day after a huge birthday party, where my mom was celebrating turning 50, my dad’s heart stopped again. Thankfully my mother have still a light sleep so when she heard weird noises coming from my dad’s throat, she immediately pushed him from a bed to the floor and start CPR. Meantime she managed to call the ambulance and run back through the house and switch the light through it so the paramedics would find their way to the house and up to bedroom easier. After endless 15 minutes when my mom was trying to restart my dad’s heart the first paramedics arrived. After few minutes another ambulance arrived with a doctor in it. My dad was still unconsciousness and the paramedics had to carried him from the bedroom to the hall so they could have larger space for the resuscitation. It took them almost half an hour until they brought him back to life and stabilised. Half an hour in which my mom was watching her husband without any heartbeat. She almost lost it. It was 5 a.m. and I can not even imagine what she have must been through in that hour since she woke up. She saved him once again.

When my dad woke up following day in the hospital, he lost his memory and the ability to create short-term memories. He did not know he should walked me down the aisle in two months, he did not know that he will going to be a grandpa in three months. He completely forgot my mother’s 50th birthday party.

My dad has been discharged from the hospital few days ago. Almost all his memories came back and he is feeling fine now, apart from the burns on his chest from the electroshocks paramedics gave him and apart from the pain in his ribs caused by paramedics almost jumping on him when giving him CPR.

And now I am not getting married. I called off the wedding for the same reason I called everything else off in my life. I was just not prepared and regarding that the marriage would be the most important step of my current life, I just could not rushed into something I was not 100 % sure of. I was not the best fiancée but I wanted to be a good wife. But not like this. In the last half a year a lot happened. I have thought about calling the wedding off earlier, but until last two months were ahead of us I had not found the courage. But once I got lost in the thought, it just grew in me like the right thing to do. My fiancé deserves much better marriage that I could give him right now. Because right now, I am not fantasising about our wedding day or plans after we get married. Because right now I am fantasising about another adventure that could be.

Maybe I am not that good girl as I stated in the beginning.

That’s why I love to write. Because life never works except in retrospect. If I can not control life, at least I can control my version of it.


Written in April, 2015

2 thoughts on “Lost thoughts on April

  1. Mám váš blog v RSS už více než 5 let. Ani si nepamatuji, kde jsem na něj narazil.

    Ten dnešní příspěvek je fajn… Rád vás čtu…

  2. Jsem ráda, že ani po pěti letech jste tu to nepřestal číst:)

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